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Reactor
 CLEANER JOKES
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● Christian One Liners ● Church Bulletin Bloopers! |
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RELIGIOUS Atheism is a non-prophet organization How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it What is the best vitamin for a Christian? B1 Don’t join dangerous cults! Practice safe sects What kind of car does Jesus drive? A Christler What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller How do you make Holy water? Boil the hell out of it What is another way of explaining prayer? Knee-mail What kind of man was Boaz before he married Ruth? Ruthless In Germany, what do they call their pastors? German Shepherds What kind of Bibles are people using on cell phones? Phony ones Why did Noah play cards on the Ark? Because he was standing on the deck Why was the chicken not allowed in church? Because of its’ fowl language What did they do with the cow that learned the whole Bible? Put it out to Pastor! Why didn't the worms go on Noah's Ark in an apple? Because they had to go in pears If Mary had Jesus, and Jesus is the lamb of God, does that mean Mary had a little lamb? |
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MEDICAL What do you call a sick eagle? ill-eagle What do ants take when they are sick? Antibiotics How can you tell if a vampire is sick? By his coffin Where do boats go when they get sick? The Dock How do you know you are getting old? Your in Trouble Where does a cat go if it loses its tail? To the retail store Where do you go if you lose a hand? To the second hand store OR An arms dealer What do you call a person that does not pass gas in public? A private tutor! Why did the cookie go to the doctor? Because he was feeling crummy or he got bit. |
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DENTIST What does the dentist of the year get? A little plaque Where do dentists get there gas? At the filling station What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear What do you call a dentist in the army? A drill sergeant Why did the vampire go to the dentist? To improve his bite What did the dentist say to the golfer? You have a hole in one What is the best time to go to the dentist? At tooth hurty (2:30) Why do people hate to go to the dentist? Because they bore you |
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FOOD How does a train eat? It goes chew chew How do you make an egg roll? You push it What do you call an average potato? Commentator How do you make honeymoon salad? It's lettuce alone What did the hungry clock do? Went back four seconds What do you call cheese that is not yours? Nacho cheese When is red go and green stop? When eatting a watermelon What do you get when you eat beans and onions? Tear Gas What do you give a guy totally out of control? His panic food What happens to grapes when you step on them? They wine What did the father tomato say to the baby tomato? Ketchup! What kind of tea is hard to swallow? Reality, Tragedy, a Golf tee Why do they call eggs sunny side up? Because it’s not bottom side down Why are there no restaurants on the moon? Because there is no atmosphere What is also the fastest liquid on earth? Milk, it's pasteurized before you even see it A mushroom walks into a bar and the bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve mushrooms in here.” The mushroom replies, “Why not? I’m a fungi!” Why was the teddy bear never hungry? Because he was always stuffed What did the farmer do when he lost his wife? He tracked her down Why did the banana put on sunscreen? It didn’t want to get peeled Lemons grow on trees, so how do chickens grow? On poultries What do you call a shoe made from a banana? A slipper! What do you do for a sick lemon? You give it lemonade What is a lemons favorite car? A Leman’s |
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ANIMALS What is the loudest pet? A trumpet What do you call a cold dog? A chili dog How do you get a mouse to smile? Say cheese What kind of dog always has a fever? A hot dog What do you call a rabbit with fleas? Bugs Bunny What do you call a donkey that's cold? A brrrrr-o! What side of the porcupine is sharpest? The outside What do you call a rabbit wearing a kilt? Hop Scotch What kind of animal needs oil? Mice, they are squeaky What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator What kind of dog always knows the time? A watch dog Why are dogs like phones? Because they have collar IDs Want to hear a dirty joke? The white horse fell in the mud What would bears do without bees? They would be all ears What happened to the illegally parked frog? He got toad away What do you call a place where apes work? A monkey business What do you call 14 rabbits hopping backward? A receding hairline Did you hear that the energizer bunny got arrested? It was for battery - They're going to put him in a special cell, a Dura-cell Why can't you trust the king of the jungle? Because he is always lion What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino? Ell-if-I-no Why did the chicken fall in the well? Because he couldn’t see that well What do you call a male deer that's crazy about a female deer? A doe-nut What did the judge say when the skunk walked into the court? Odor in the court What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? - Bye Son Which is strongest, an elephant or a snail? The snail, because it can carry it's whole house while the elephant can only carry his trunk What did the snail say when he rode on the turtles back? Wheeeeeee! What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? A still, no eye deer What do you call a deer with no eyes? A no eye deer What did the tree say to the dog? You’re barking up the wrong tree What Crime did the tree commit? Treeson |
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COWS What do you call a bull on fire? Flammabull What do you call a sleeping cow? A bulldozer What do you call a cow that is afraid? A coward What is a cow’s favorite place to eat? A cafeteria What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky What did the cow pack to go to Hawaii? A moo-moo What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk Where do cows go on Saturday night? To the moovies Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don’t work What do you call a cow after it gives birth? Decaffeinated How come cows can’t fly? Because it is utterly impossible What do you get from a cow in an earthquake? A milk shake What is a cow wearing a crown? Diary queen or Burger king Where do cows buy their gifts? With moo-lah or through cattle-ogs Why don't cows have any money? Because the farmers milk them dry! What do you call a cow that can't give milk? An udder failure or Milk dud Why can’t you tell a cow a secret? Because it goes in one ear and out the utter Did you hear their going to send cows into space? It will be the first herd around the world Did you hear they are going to outlaw rolled-up bundles of hay? Because cows can’t get a square meal Why do cows have hooves and not feet? Because they Lack toes What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef What do you call a cow with one leg? Steak What is a cows favorite car? A cattlelac or a mooving one If the cattelac breaks down, how does the cow get around? On his Cowasaki |
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BIRDS & FISH What day do chickens hate? Friday What do you call a fish with no I? fsh What do you call a magic owl? Hoodini How do you talk to a fish? You drop it a line What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs How does a turkey eat its food? It gobbles it up What bird is with you at every meal? A swallow What did the fish say when he swam into a wall? Dam How do you get goldfish to age? Remove the g - oldfish Why did the turkey join the band? Because he had drumsticks How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten-tickles Why do fish in the ocean get bad grades? Because they are below sea level Why do seagulls fly over the sea and not the bay? Because they don't want to be called bagels Why wouldn't the shrimp share his treasure? Because he was a little shellfish. What do you call a lying frog? An AmFIBian! How do fish get high? Seaweed |
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BUGS Where does a bee sit? On his bee-hind What would a bear be without bees? Ears What kind of bee lives in a graveyard? A zombie How do you shoot a killer bee? With a bee-bee gun Where do bees go after they are married? On a honeymoon Why was the bee's hair sticky? Because he used a honeycomb What do you call little bugs that live on the moon? Luna ticks What is worse than finding a worm in your apple? Finding half a worm If you are holding a bee in your hand, what is in your eyes? Beauty lies in the eyes of the Bee Holder What's the last thing that goes through a bug's mind as it hits your windshield? Its butt What is the largest ant in the world? An elephant, Bigger? - A giant, Bigger? – Antarctica |
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EDUCATION What do you call a polygon? A dead parrot What school do you greet people in? Hi School! What did the square say to the circle? You’re pointless Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's okay. He woke up Why can't your nose be 12 inches long? Cause then it would be a foot What has no beginning, no end and nothing in the middle? A doughnut What did the teacher say about her disruptive students? I can’t control my pupils What is a teacher's three favorite words? June, July & August Where does the electric cord go to shop? The outlet mall Teacher: "What is the largest city?" Student: "Electricity!" How do you spell Hard Water with 3 letters? ICE! What kind of paper never moves?" Stationary |
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NAMES What is an alien without an I? Alen A man who just lost his skies? Skip Name of a girl on a tennis court? Annette A man with no legs below the knees? Neil What is a man's name in a hole? Phil or Doug What do you call a man attacked by a cat? Claude What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff What do you call a man who hangs on the wall? Art What do you call a man doing exercise? Jim! (Gym) What is a man’s name in a big pile of leaves? Russell What do you call a man you dig up out of the ground? Pete! (Peat) What is a man's name floating in a pool with no arms or legs? Bob What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other? Eileen A woman’s name who works with men in an auto repair shop? Carmen |
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MONEY Where do fish keep their money? In river banks Change is hard, have you ever tried to bend a coin? Why is money called dough? Because we all knead it Crime doesn’t pay? Does that mean my job is a crime? Where does a penguin keeps his money? In a snow bank How can you get four suits for a dollar? Buy a deck of cards If money doesn't grow on trees, why do banks have branches? How do you keep a bull from charging? By canceling its credit card |
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HALLOWEEN What do you call a pretty ghost? Bootiful What does the skeleton order to eat? Spare ribs What do you call a stupid skeleton? A bone head What kind of mistakes do ghosts make? Boo boos What is a skeleton’s favorite instrument? Trom Bone Where do vampires store their money? In a blood bank What does a vampire like on his holiday turkey? Gravy Skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer and a mop What is a vampire’s favorite fruit? Nectarine or Blood Orange Which room do the skeletons hate the most? The living room What do you call a skeleton that rings your doorbell? A dead ringer What does the skeleton say just before he starts to dine? Bone appetite What do you call a skeleton that doesn’t come in out of the cold? A Numb Scull Why don't witches ride their brooms when they're angry? They're afraid of flying off the handle! Why do mummies have trouble keeping friends? They're so wrapped up in themselves What do you call someone who puts poison in a person's corn flakes? A cereal killer... Why did the skeleton not go to the party? He had no body to go with, or no life, no guts Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field Why do vampires believe everything you tell them? Because they're suckers Why is there a gate around cemeteries? Because people are dying to get in What did the ghost buy for his Haunted House? Home Moaners Insurance What's a vampire's favorite fast food? A guy with very high blood pressure Why are ghosts so bad at lying? Because you can see right through them What do you call a skeleton that doesn’t want to get up? Lazy bones When does a skeleton laugh? When something tickles his funny bone Who was the most famous French skeleton? Napoleon Bone-apart What do you call a witch who lives at the beach? A sand-witch What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog? He is mist What was the witch's favorite subject in school? Spelling What do you call the witches garage? The broom closet What is a Mummies' favorite type of music? Wrap! What is a witch’s favorite dessert? Ice Scream |
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CHIRSTMAS What do you call a singing elf? Wrapper What do elves learn in school? The elf-abet How does Jack Frost get to work? By icicle! What kind of bug hates Christmas? A humbug How can you tell Santa is near? By his presence How does Santa water his garden? With rain, dear What do you call a bankrupt Santa? Saint Nickle less Name the child's favorite Christmas king? A stocking What do you call an old snowman? Water, or a puddle What does a snowman eat for breakfast? Frosted Flakes What do you get from a cow at the North Pole? Ice cream What are people called that are afraid of Santa? Claustaphobic What did the Gingerbread Man put on his bed? A cookie sheet! What do you get when you decorate for Christmas? Tinselitus! If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get? Missletoe! What’s red white and blue at Christmas time? A sad candy cane What kind of money snowmen use in the North Pole? Cold cash! What type of pine has the sharpest needles? Answer: A porcupine How much did Santa pay for his sleigh? Nothing, It was on the house What do you get if you cross an apple and a Christmas tree? Pineapple Difference between regular alphabet and the North Pole alphabet? Noel What did Adam say to Eve the day before Christmas? It’s Christmas, Eve What do aliens say when they land in the North Pole? Take me to your heater How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents What do you call someone who does not believe in Santa? A rebel without a claus What is Santa’s name if he comes down the chimney while the fire is ablaze? Crisp Cringle What did the bald man say when he got a comb for Christmas? Thanks, I’ll never part with it! What is the best Christmas present ever? A broken drum - you can't beat it! When does New Year's Day come before Christmas Day? Every year Why is it so cold on Christmas? Because it's in Decembrrrrrrrrrr! Why is Santa so good at karate? Because he has a black belt What do you call a train filled with taffy? A chew chew train What do you call a young locomotive? A Trainee |
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CROSSROADS Why did the cow cross the road? To get to the utter side Why did the TV cross the road? It wanted to be a flat screen Why didn’t the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack Why did the lemon stop halfway across the road? He ran out of juice Why did Mickey Mouse cross the road? He was going on a Minnie vacation Why did the chicken stop in the middle of the road? It wanted to lay it on the line What do you call someone who crosses the road, rolls in the mud, and crosses the road again? A dirty double crosser |
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CLASSIC Why was 6 scared of 7? Because 7 ate 9 Why shouldn’t you buy Velcro? It’s a rip off What is Mozart doing right now? Decomposing Why is Mozart upset with chickens? Because they go Bach Bach Bach Two guys walk in to a bar, the third guy ducks What nails do carpenters hate to hit? Fingernails Why is it that your nose runs, but your feet smell? Why did the bicycle fall over? Because it was two tired How does the man in the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time Why was the stadium hot after the game? All the fans left What did the toilet say to the other toilet? You look flushed How much does a chimney cost? Nothing, it's on the house When does Friday come before Thursday? In the dictionary Why was the ocean embarrassed? Because it saw its bottom How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it What type of candle burns longer? None, they all burn shorter! Why was Tigger looking in the toilet? He was looking for Pooh If H20 is inside of the fire hydrant, what's on the outside? K9P Four days start with T? Tuesday, Thursday, Today, Tomorrow What stays in one corner but travels around the world? A stamp If two is a couple and three is a crowd, then what is four and five? 9 Did you hear about the boys who went on a camping trip? It was intense What did the football coach say to the Coke machine? I want my quarter back If con is the opposite of pro, in must mean Congress is the opposite of progress Put your finger pointing up in the air. Knock Knock, Who’s there? Woo. Woo Who If everyone in the country drove a pink car, what would you call that? A pink car nation How many psychiatrists does it take to change a tire? None, the tire has to want to change first Did you hear about the guy who couldn’t find camouflaged pants at Walmart? He couldn’t find any What did the Roman in the coliseum say about his grandmother? Glad I ate her How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest? They Take The Psycho Path I had a dream last night that I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted I found a new place to store all my dad jokes. In my DaDa base Why can’t an idiot dial 911? He can’t find the 11 on the phone When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway When is a door not a door? When it’s a jar What do you call a cute door? Adorable |
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PIRATES How does a pirate laugh? HARRRRR What does a pirate’s dog say? ARRRF What's a pirate's favorite gas? Arrrrrgon! What did the old Pirate get? Arrrrrrrrthritis! What is a pirate's favorite planet? Marrrrrs! What does a pirate smoke? A cigaaaarrrrrr! How long is a pirate's plank? A YARRRd!!! Where do pirates eat fast food? Arrrrrrrrrrby's When do pirates prefer to attack? In the darrrrrrk! What is a pirate's favorite field sport? Arrrrrrchery! What do pirate’s go to school for? The 3 ARRRRs! What's a pirate's favorite vegetable? Arrrrrrtichokes! Why are Pirates called Pirates? Because they Arrrgh! Where can you find very few pirates? The Arrrrrctic! What do pirates like for Christmas? Carrrrrrrrrrrrrrds! How do pirates like their meat? ChAARRRRRRrrred! How many pirate jokes are lame? Most of them ARR! What is a pirate's favorite baseball team? The Pirates Where did the pirate go for a drink? To the barrrrrrgh! Where is a pirate's favorite place to shop? Taaarrrrrget! What is a pirate's favorite animal? An AAAAAArrrdvark!!! What do you call an insane pirate? BizzARRRRRRRRE!!! What is a pirate's favorite way to fly? A helicoptAAARRR!! How do pirates navigate their ships? With the staaaaarrrrrs Where did the one legged pirate go for breakfast? IIIIIIHOP What be a pirate's favorite kind of humour? Sarrrrrrrcasm!!! What did the pirate put over the hole in his ship? A tarrrrrrrp! How do pirates solve their differences? ARRRRrrrrrrbitration! What is a pirate's favorite type of currency? The dollaarrrrrrrr! What is a pirate's favorite thing about dogs? They BARRRRK!! What's a pirate's favorite instrument? His arrrrmpit! Not a Harrrp What kind of ships do pirates have trouble with? Relationships! What does a pirate drive on vacation? An AAAARRRRRRRRR V When a pirate goes shopping, what does he want? A barrrrrgain! How much does a pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer Where can a pirate with two wooden legs go? Not very fARRRRR! Why do pirates have such bad breath? Because they eat gyARRRlic! What do pirates do after the sun goes down? They PAARRRRrrrrty! Why did the pirate cross the road? To ARRRRRRive at the other side! Why did the pirate speak so clearly? He was very ARRRRrrrrrticulate! Why couldn't the kid go see the movie? Because it was rated ARRRRR What do you call it when you've been robbed by a pirate? Larrrrrrceny! How did the pirate make a little extra booty? He had a YARRRRRd sale! How do pirates pay for a round o' rum down at the pub? With Bar-Nickels! Why did the pirate have a heart attack? He had a clogged ARRRRRrrrr-tery!! Why couldn't the pirate get through the alphabet? Because he got lost at sea Why don't pirates make good life guards? They dont know C.P. ARRRRRR!!!! What part of the Bible does a pirate like to read? The story about the ARRRRrrrrrk! Why couldn't the pirate watch Pirates of the Caribbean? He didn't have a VCRRRRRRR What is a pirate's favorite American president? F. D. ARRRRRRRR! Not Jimmy CARRRRter! Being the son of God, Jesus obviously couldn't grow up to be a pirate, so what did he decide to be? A CARRRRpenter! What is a pirate's favorite retail-based sitcom? ARRRRRe You Being Served? The people that make all of these ARR! jokes should be what? ARRested! What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck Do you know any pirate jokes? Neither do "ayyyyyy!" |
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 Nathan Puzzle Special: One (k)night, a princess, and a prince entered a castle. Who |
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